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Irini Georgi

Irini Georgi

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What does feminist dating coaching mean in practice?

What is feminist dating coaching

If you’re wondering what feminism has to do with dating, and why I offer dating coaching while constantly talking about patriarchy on social media, I’ll explain it briefly here.

The way we behave in dating, in relationships with the opposite sex, and in our romantic lives more generally, reflects how we have learned to think and behave from a very young age, within society. It’s no coincidence that most male dating coaches talk about alpha males, PUA techniques, and how to “play the game.”

The ideas we have about masculinity and femininity, about what the “right” man and the “right” woman should be like, what the roles of each gender should be, and how the dynamics between them should work, have a profound impact on our relationships. And, of course, there is the idea that men want (and should want) sex, while women want (and should want) relationships.

Messaging & Approach

A sexist approach can be apparent from the very first messages on dating apps or social media, and from the very first lines used in real life.

That’s why I teach my male clients, men who want and are trying to be good men, how to put themselves in a woman’s shoes, what the female experience is like, how a woman might think, and what she expects to see from a man, so they can understand how to send the right messages and how to make them cute, funny and interesting.

From the women’s side, I teach them how to identify and recognise problematic rhetorical patterns in men’s messages or words that may conceal sexism or problematic behaviours. I very often see women ignoring signs, or not noticing them at all, that are screaming danger or a values gap from a mile away. And sometimes I explain why a message they didn’t like, without knowing exactly why, was actually sexist.

The Date

There are dozens of small situations and behaviors on a date that are influenced by patriarchy, and it’s not just about “who pays.”

It’s about how the suggestion of where and how you’ll go is made, where you’ll meet, what exactly you’ll do during the date, whether it will be coffee, drinks, dinner or another activity, what time you’ll go and what time you’ll return, whether you’ll go for a walk, and of course, physical proximity and touching during the date.

Communication & Connection

Under patriarchy, men are taught to talk about themselves and not listen, or show much curiosity about a woman’s life, while women are taught the opposite.

Here, I help men develop active listening skills, as well as learn to ask clarifying questions. The focus needs to shift from “I need to impress” to “I want to connect.”

Women, on the other hand, need to learn to focus on “I don’t just want to test him, I also want to have fun.”

Kissing & What Comes Next

The conversations I have with my clients about kissing, especially with men who carry the burden of initiating because of patriarchy, are endless.

From when the right moment is and how we know it’s the right moment, to actual technique. And then come the even more complicated questions, such as how to ask her to go home with you, when to say it and how to inspire trust from the beginning, how to make her feel comfortable, and even what your home should be like.

Sex & Pleasure

This is where consent comes in. Fortunately, I don’t have to discuss much of this with my male clients, because they know all about it. The difficult conversations happen with women and the experiences they have had, so that they can understand that they were not responsible, and then learn to recognise earlier what they don’t want to experience again, set boundaries and move forward.

At the same time, we focus on desire and expressing it, rather than using sex as part of a strategy to prevent the other person from losing interest.

Relationship Dynamics

All of this is only the beginning. Because then we move on to relationship dynamics, which are once again influenced by patriarchy.

The (supposed) sexual liberation made casual relationships and situationships possible, but it did not eliminate the inequalities within them. Because of the demands of stereotypical masculinity, men are more often unwilling to commit, wanting instead to have sex with as many people as possible without the responsibilities of relationships, while women have grown up longing for someone to choose them.

Attachment Patterns

Patriarchy is responsible for raising men who are less emotionally available than women, and often lack the emotional skills and capacity, the emotional endurance to tolerate negative feelings, and therefore the ability to give and “hold” more emotionally.

And this brings us to attachment patterns. Because men are discouraged from expressing emotions and vulnerability as they grow up, they are more likely to have avoidant tendencies, while women, who are taught that they need to earn validation, are more likely to have anxious tendencies.

Here, I introduce new perspectives and we learn new habits, so that we can move beyond the self-protective patterns that have begun to prevent us from finding happiness.

So, what does feminist dating coaching actually mean?

It’s not about learning “tricks” to make someone want you or get someone to choose you. It’s about understanding how what we have learned about gender, desire, relationships and our own worth affects the way we flirt, choose, communicate, have sex and relate to one another.

It’s about learning to recognise real danger without being afraid of every difficulty. Setting boundaries without building walls. Giving people opportunities without abandoning yourself. Being able to say “no,” but also “yes” consciously, because you genuinely want to.

And, ultimately, stopping trying to win someone’s love and starting to build relationships based on desire, freedom, reciprocity and connection.

These are just some of the things we work on together. If you want to better understand your own patterns, communicate differently, and approach dating with more self-awareness and fewer “strategic games,” fill out the form and I’ll get in touch with you directly.

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What does it mean when someone does not have capacity?

It’s when someone wants you and cares about you, but they can’t. This is one of the hardest situations in relationships. Because you can see that the problem isn’t indifference. You see it when they look at you, when they show you tenderness, when you pull away and they tell you, “I missed you.” That’s why it confuses you so much.

Because someone can care about you and still not be able to. They may not have the capacity to love you consistently, long-term, in a way that makes you feel safe, in a way that allows you to relax and let go because you know they’ll be there.

Yes, they can care about you and still not be able to.

They care, but:

  • They pull away or shut down when you open up.
  • They avoid difficult conversations.
  • They shut down when there is too much emotion in the room.
  • They become defensive when you express pain or a need, interpreting it as an attack or accusation.
  • They disappear instead of sitting down and repairing the rupture.

So you’re left holding two truths:

“They love me, but they can’t give me the love I need.”

It doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there.

But that person may only be able to be there for you in the happy moments, when the atmosphere is light. When you’re smiling, when you’re your pleasant, easygoing self, when you’re not asking for anything difficult or “too much.” When you don’t have many demands, when being with you is easy and convenient.

Not when you’re silent. Not when you’re hurting. Not when you need them to be present in the difficult, uncomfortable moment. Not when change needs to happen.

It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. Truly, they may care about you deeply. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they have the skills, self-awareness and emotional maturity needed for a healthy relationship to thrive and be sustained.

It’s much easier to love someone in the good moments. Much harder to remain there in the not-so-good ones.

What destroys us:

The hardest relationships, the ones that destroy us the most when they end, aren’t the ones where there is no love. They’re the ones where there is love, but there is no capacity. There isn’t the ability for one person to tolerate difficult emotions and the transformative work that needs to happen within a relationship for it to work and evolve.

But because there is love, you see glimpses of the potential. Of what you could have, if only the other person could. You see the good days, the care, the effort, the tenderness, the embrace, the right words they sometimes say, and which mean everything to you. But they don’t last.

Those moments when you almost have it.

And you hope that from now on, this will be your everyday reality.

But it isn’t.

Love matters, but love alone isn’t enough. It also requires the courage to be vulnerable, accountability, repair, consistency, consistency, consistency.

Because they may care about you and love you, but they may not be able to love you in the way you need to be loved.

The tragedy of relationships is that someone can genuinely have feelings for you and still not have the capacity to choose you. These two things can coexist in the same person, and that’s what makes being involved with emotionally unavailable people so painful.

Were they “selling” you a future they never intended to give you? Maybe. But future faking implies a degree of conscious deception: someone presenting you with a future they know they have no intention of creating with you. But they may genuinely have believed everything they were telling you at the moment they were saying it. And that is actually a very common, if more complicated, version of what happens.

They may have loved you. Or they may have believed they loved you. But feelings aren’t enough. Love is a daily choice and a daily action.

And one of the hardest lessons in love is learning to stop evaluating people based on the intensity of their feelings and start evaluating them based on the clarity of their choices.

They may love you. They may miss you. But that isn’t enough. And so you grieve something that may have been emotionally real, but was never truly available as a relationship.

Because sometimes the most dangerous relationships aren’t the ones in which nothing was real. They’re the ones in which enough things were real for you to keep hoping.

And at some point, you have to stop asking:

“Did they really love me?”

The answer may be yes.

But the better question is:

“Were they actually willing and able to build a life with me?”

Believe the answer they give you with their life, not the one they occasionally send you in a message.

If you want to talk about what’s happening in your new relationship or dating situation, and how you can change the dynamics in the way you communicate with each other, so that the dynamic itself can change, I can help. Fill out the form and I’ll get in touch with you shortly.

Note on capacity

The text is written as though men are the only ones who lack capacity, even though that obviously isn’t true. However, it is true that the way men are raised within patriarchy can prevent them from developing emotional range and emotional resilience — meaning the ability to tolerate emotions, and therefore how much they are able to give and “hold” emotionally.

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How trauma sabotages your love life

One of the most confusing things about trauma is that it rarely looks like “trauma” in dating.

It doesn’t always show up as flashbacks, panic attacks, or dramatic emotional breakdowns. More often, it appears quietly through patterns people repeat without understanding why: chasing emotionally unavailable partners, losing interest when someone healthy shows up, overanalyzing text messages, pulling away after intimacy, people-pleasing, shutting down emotionally, or constantly fearing abandonment.

Many people think they simply have “bad luck in love.” In reality, their nervous system has learned to associate intimacy with danger.

As a dating coach, I see this constantly. Intelligent, self-aware, capable people who deeply want connection, but unconsciously sabotage it because closeness activates old survival mechanisms.

The difficult truth is this: trauma doesn’t just affect your past. It changes how you experience relationships in the present.

 

When Healthy Feels Wrong

One of the clearest signs of unresolved relational trauma is feeling drawn to inconsistency and uncomfortable with stability.

People often assume they’re attracted to emotionally unavailable partners because of chemistry, excitement, or “passion.” But in many cases, unpredictability feels familiar to the nervous system. If love in childhood or past relationships came with anxiety, withdrawal, criticism, emotional volatility, or abandonment, then calm intimacy can feel suspicious or even suffocating.

This is why some people lose attraction when someone is kind, emotionally available and consistent. They may suddenly feel trapped, bored, overwhelmed, or emotionally numb, despite finally meeting someone healthy.

Meanwhile, emotionally unavailable people can feel intoxicating precisely because they recreate the emotional uncertainty the nervous system already recognizes.

Many people confuse emotional activation with compatibility. They are not the same thing.

Hypervigilance in Dating

Trauma also creates hypervigilance: a constant scanning for signs of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, or loss of interest.

This often looks like:

  • obsessively analyzing texting patterns
  • spiraling when someone takes longer to reply
  • reading into tone shifts or emojis
  • assuming distance means rejection
  • constantly needing reassurance
  • monitoring for “red flags” so intensely that dating becomes exhausting

People often mistake this for intuition or emotional intelligence. Sometimes it is simply a nervous system stuck in threat-detection mode.

The problem is that hypervigilance distorts perception. Trauma survivors often struggle to accurately assess danger. They may perceive threat where none exists, while simultaneously missing genuinely unhealthy dynamics because chaos feels normal to them.

This creates a painful cycle:
anxiety leads to reassurance-seeking, reassurance-seeking creates pressure, pressure pushes people away, and the eventual distancing confirms the original fear of abandonment.

The Self-Protection That Sabotages Connection

A huge amount of dating self-sabotage is actually self-protection in disguise.

People convince themselves they are being “careful,” “independent,” or “guarded,” when in reality they are avoiding vulnerability altogether.

This can look like:

  • emotionally detaching when things get serious
  • focusing excessively on flaws and incompatibilities
  • ghosting when intimacy increases
  • picking fights when connection deepens
  • cheating or flirting to maintain emotional distance
  • refusing help or support
  • never fully expressing needs
  • leaving before they can be left

Many trauma responses are unconscious attempts to avoid future pain.

If someone learned early on that vulnerability led to humiliation, rejection, neglect, manipulation, or emotional punishment, then closeness itself can feel dangerous. The nervous system begins prioritizing emotional survival over connection.

The tragic part is that these behaviors often create exactly the outcomes people fear most.

The “Independent” Trauma Response

One of the most socially rewarded trauma responses is extreme self-sufficiency.

Many people pride themselves on “not needing anyone.” They see themselves as low-maintenance, hyper-independent, or emotionally self-contained.

But healthy independence is very different from trauma-driven self-reliance.

Healthy independence allows closeness.
Trauma-based independence avoids dependence entirely.

People with this pattern often struggle to:

  • ask for support
  • receive care comfortably
  • communicate emotional needs
  • rely on partners
  • tolerate vulnerability
  • let themselves be emotionally seen

They may appear emotionally strong while secretly feeling profoundly disconnected.

Intimacy requires interdependence. Not emotional fusion, but the ability to lean on another person sometimes without feeling weak, trapped, or exposed.

The Fawn Response in Dating

Not everyone responds to trauma by withdrawing. Some respond by adapting excessively to others.

This is often called the fawn response: people-pleasing as a survival strategy.

In dating, this can look like:

  • shape-shifting to match a partner’s personality
  • suppressing opinions to avoid conflict
  • over-accommodating others
  • ignoring personal boundaries
  • prioritizing another person’s comfort over authenticity
  • becoming whoever the other person seems to want

At first, these relationships may feel unusually “easy” because there is little friction or disagreement. But over time, resentment and emotional disconnection build because the relationship is no longer based on authenticity.

You cannot build genuine intimacy while hiding yourself to maintain approval.

And unfortunately, fawning also makes people vulnerable to unhealthy relationships because they become highly tolerant of poor treatment.

Trauma and Attachment Triggers

Modern dating culture amplifies trauma responses dramatically. Dating apps create constant uncertainty, inconsistency, comparison, and ambiguity. Texting removes tone and physical reassurance. Social media intensifies scarcity mindset and fear of replacement.

For people with attachment wounds, this environment can become psychologically destabilizing.

  • A delayed reply can trigger abandonment fears.
  • Mixed signals can trigger obsession.
  • Ghosting can retraumatize rejection wounds.
  • Love bombing can feel like safety.
  • Avoidant behavior can feel magnetic.

Many people are not simply reacting to the present moment. They are reacting to accumulated emotional history. This is why one of the first exercises I do with my clients is called Relationship History.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing trauma does not mean becoming perfectly calm, secure, and untriggered. It means becoming aware of your patterns before they control your behavior.

Therapy can be essential, especially for complex trauma, emotional abuse, neglect, or abusive relationships. Trauma-informed approaches like EMDR, somatic work and nervous system regulation can help people understand why their body reacts the way it does.

My coaching work is more about the behavioral side of healing:

  • learning to slow down emotionally
  • recognizing attraction to unhealthy dynamics
  • appreciating consistency instead of chasing intensity
  • communicating needs directly
  • setting boundaries earlier
  • identifying red and green flags more accurately
  • regulating anxiety without impulsive behavior
  • staying grounded instead of fantasizing or catastrophizing
  • choosing compatibility over emotional chaos
  • building emotional self-awareness in real time

The goal is not perfection. The goal is creating enough awareness and emotional regulation that trauma stops unconsciously driving your decisions.

 

The Most Important Thing to Understand

Trauma responses are not character flaws. Your nervous system adapted to experiences that overwhelmed you emotionally. Those adaptations probably protected you at some point. But survival strategies that helped in unsafe environments often create problems in healthy relationships later.

The good news is that relational patterns can change.

People can learn to tolerate intimacy without panic. They can stop confusing inconsistency with chemistry. They can become more secure, more emotionally regulated, and more capable of healthy connection.

But this usually requires something uncomfortable: staying present long enough to let healthy love feel unfamiliar without automatically running from it. That’s part of the real work. If you want to start working on it with me, fill in the form and I’ll get back to you!

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How to navigate the avoidant dating culture

Even if you’re not avoidant yourself, the dating culture is, and that affects all of us in how we meet and relate, on an invisible but fundamental level.

The way we meet and date right now is something that has never existed before in human history. It’s not just the apps or social media, or the idea that “no one flirts anymore.” It’s an entirely new condition that requires us to limit our authenticity just to survive.

We all keep our expectations low and “don’t get our hopes up” to avoid disappointment. We try to delay developing feelings and avoid investing, in order to protect ourselves. The more emotionally detached you manage to be, the less likely you are to get hurt.

It’s natural to want to protect ourselves from rejection, frustration, and abandonment, especially in a culture where sudden ghosting, disappearing when things get difficult, non-commitment, and inconsistent, breadcrumb-type relationships are fully normalized.

So we minimize our needs, ask for less, avoid setting boundaries, and are afraid to speak up in case we’re labeled “too much,” accused of pressuring the other person, or told we have unrealistic expectations. This silence isn’t a choice. It’s adaptation.

We adapt to conditions that are not “natural,” and we forget what real, meaningful relationships actually look like. No, this shouldn’t push us toward idealizing the past or returning to traditional values. But we also can’t let this culture make us forget what we’re actually looking for.

It cannot be considered an achievement that we’ve adapted to a reality that disrupts our mental balance and affects our entire nervous system. We shouldn’t accept chronic anxiety and uncertainty as normal.

Yes, relationships involve risk and uncertainty, but only up to a point. The goal is emotional safety. That requires regular communication, consistency, alignment between words and actions, emotional presence and availability, and for most people, commitment and exclusivity.

These are not optional. They are the minimum required to begin building a relationship based on real connection and reciprocity, one that can withstand the challenges and difficulties that will arise. If you truly want to protect yourself from constant stress (which will eventually show up in your body), this is the baseline.

 

How to survive this culture:

If you’re emotionally available and looking for safety and calm in a relationship, instead of playing games about who texts last or who disappears first, you’re probably exhausted. Let’s look at how to navigate all this.

First, understand that building a deep and meaningful connection takes time, discernment, filtering, clarity, and alignment with your own perceptions and intuition. It doesn’t happen overnight just because you were texting until morning.

Even if dating feels discouraging, it’s important not to harden yourself. Healthy companionship is a fundamental human need and contributes to overall health and well-being. You have every right to seek it.

The solution is not to suppress your emotions or to give up on dating altogether. It’s to develop better assessment tools and deeper self-trust. When you stay connected to yourself, your intuition will show you who is right for you and who isn’t.

Stop choosing based solely on chemistry and start choosing based on capacity. Attraction is not a reliable indicator. Pay attention early on to consistency, follow-through, behavior after tension, and conflict management. Emotional availability requires emotional “infrastructure.”

When it comes to your needs, reframe “too much” as incompatibility or misalignment. Emotional depth only feels excessive in shallow containers. The right nervous system won’t experience your needs as pressure, but as valuable information.

Practice slow attachment, without emotionally withdrawing. Let the connection grow through observation, and give patterns time to emerge before deciding “this is it.” Set boundaries first with yourself, otherwise you abandon yourself. Boundaries mean you love without depleting yourself.

Build a life that fulfills you beyond dating. When romance is your only source of emotional fulfillment, it turns into an obsession and increases your tolerance for poor treatment. We need community, purpose, and internal safety so we don’t become desperate—and so we can actually discern what’s right for us.

Learn the “language” of avoidance and recognize distancing patterns such as hot-and-cold behavior, premature future promises, inconsistency, ambiguity, or intimacy without responsibility. This will help you not take rejection personally and will reduce your recovery time.

If you want help learning how to filter, set boundaries, recognize what’s worth your time and what isn’t, and recover quickly after disappointment, I can help you. Fill out the form and I’ll get in touch with you right away!

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The male vs female experience on dating apps and what to do about it

the male vs the female experience on dating apps

Dating apps weren’t designed to bring us closer to love. They were designed to keep us “inside” as long as possible. They’re capitalist products, built to sell subscriptions and capture our attention, not to cure our loneliness. That means the system doesn’t really work in our favour. It plays with our FOMO, competition, and an overload of choices that don’t translate into real opportunities.

But, and this is the crucial point, the fact that the platform doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it can’t work with the right use. To find quality connections in this environment, you need awareness, emotional maturity, and a clear strategy. The people who do the inner work, who know how to present themselves authentically and communicate without games, stand out immediately, precisely because most people don’t do any of that.

Within the system, men and women end up playing the same game with completely different rules, and they rarely understand the other side’s reality. These asymmetries aren’t personal. They’re structural. But they shape everything: who swipes, who matches, who messages, who gets overwhelmed and who gets ignored. Here’s what the research, and real lived experience, actually shows.

  1. Men face scarcity. Women face overwhelm.

Most men get very few matches. Most women get more attention than they can handle.
This is the core imbalance, and it’s backed by almost every study on online dating.

  • Men swipe more, initiate more, and face more silence.
  • Women receive more messages, more sexual content, and more harassment.

The result?

  • Men feel invisible.
  • Women feel unsafe.

These emotional realities drive the behaviours on both sides. Men cast a wide net because they get so little feedback. Women become selective because broad filters are a safety strategy, not an ego trip.

  1. Algorithms exaggerate inequality, not personality.

Apps don’t show all profiles equally. They promote the most “engaging” profiles and bury the average ones. Research (Bruch & Newman, Tinder’s own internal data) shows:

  • The top 10–20% of men receive most of the likes from women. (Specifically on Tinder, where the gender distribution divide is the biggest).
  • The average man barely gets seen.
  • Women get overexposed to a small minority of men, many of whom aren’t actually looking for a relationship.

This isn’t a moral failing on either gender. It’s a marketplace distortion that makes both sides miserable.

  1. Men swipe on possibility. Women swipe on probability.

Behaviour diverges sharply:

  • Men operate on the “why not?” principle. They swipe broadly and filter later.
  • Women operate on “give me one good reason.” They filter first and engage only when someone feels safe, interesting, or intentional.

This is why men often feel rejected before they even get started. The bar women use is higher, and for good reason: safety, emotional labour, and social cost all weigh heavier on them.

  1. Men take more risks, women take more precautions.

Studies on risk-taking (David & Cambre, 2016) show men are more inclined toward gambling-style behaviour. On apps this translates into:

  • rapid swiping
  • more experimentation
  • more willingness to initiate with strangers

Women, on the other hand, must navigate harassment, stalking risks, and security concerns. So their “selectiveness” isn’t entitlement — it’s survival.

  1. Men prioritise physical traits, women prioritise internal or socio-economic traits depending on ideology.

The Hanson (2021) findings still hold:

  • Men: appearance first, everything else second.
  • Conservative women: economic and status markers.
  • Liberal/progressive women: emotional intelligence, inner work, values alignment.

This is crucial: Progressive women aren’t looking for perfection, they’re looking for men who are emotionally literate, self-reflective, and not threatened by equality. That pool is smaller but not non-existent, and the men who do the work stand out dramatically.

  1. Both genders end up frustrated for opposite reasons.

This is the part almost nobody says plainly:

  • Men assume women have endless options, so they feel resentful or hopeless.
  • Women assume men are dangerous or unserious, so they feel guarded or exhausted.

These aren’t based on bad intentions, they’re based on the structure of the platforms themselves. The system creates unrealistic expectations, distorted perceptions, and a generalised distrust that has nothing to do with the individual person behind the profile.

So is it hopeless? No. But it is unrealistic to “just wing it.”

The people who thrive on dating apps today aren’t the hottest, richest, or youngest.
They’re the ones who understand:

  • how the system actually works
  • how the other gender experiences it
  • how to present themselves honestly but effectively
  • how to communicate with clarity, warmth, and intention
  • how to regulate their emotions so they don’t sabotage promising connections

Apps amplify both your strengths and your weaknesses.
If you don’t understand the dynamics, you miss out.

What I help people do:

This is where my work comes in, and it’s the part the apps can’t do for anyone. I help men and women:

  • Build a profile that communicates depth, uniqueness, warmth, and acts as a beacon to compatible people
  • Understand the psychology of attraction in a progressive, evidence-based way
  • Develop communication and emotional skills that create real connection
  • Navigate dating apps with strategy instead of desperation
  • Date in alignment with their values, not in reaction to trauma or scarcity
  • Break patterns that keep attracting the wrong people

The dating landscape is unequal, but it’s navigable. Dating app structure matters, but skills matter more and inner work matters most.

When people understand the reality of the system and develop the right habits, dating apps stop feeling like chaos and start becoming an opportunity. Want to work with me? Fill in the form below and I’ll get back to you!

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Dating and mental health

The Problem with Dating Apps

It’s important to remember that dating apps are available for free to anyone who downloads them, or at least they have a free version, and they belong to business giants such as Match.com. Each app, therefore, is a capitalist product. These companies didn’t create them to save the world or help us find love (even if some began with that ideal), but to profit from those willing to pay.

Their goal is to keep us using the apps, just like social media platforms are designed to do. The only difference is that when you add the possibility of finding love, the platform becomes even more irresistible. They use gamification elements such as swiping, matching, challenges, and badges that mimic casino games like slots or fruit machines. This creates an addictive environment that’s difficult to walk away from.

How to Use Dating Apps Mindfully

First, we need to shift our mindset around dating apps. We must let go of the stigma that says, “If I need to use dating apps, something’s wrong with me, so I feel ashamed and use them secretly.” Ironically, that guilt fuels problematic use.

Next, it’s best to go into apps with a clear intention. Know why you’re there, don’t just download Tinder out of boredom. Don’t see apps as a game but as a tool.

We need to observe ourselves and the moments when we feel the urge to open an app, whether it’s to create a profile or simply to do some swiping during the day. If you just broke up with someone two hours ago, it’s not the best time. If you’re feeling low, lacking confidence, and craving a dopamine hit (even though that’s when most people fall into the trap), again, not the best time.

As I often tell my clients, your dating app profile is to your romantic life what LinkedIn is to your professional life. Take it seriously, put time and energy into it, but use it wisely.

For example, set your own boundaries on how long you spend on apps each day (unless you’re in a flowing conversation with someone specific). Otherwise, avoid staying on them for more than 20–30 minutes a day. Do your swiping, filter potential matches, send one or two messages, and log off.

Note: When (straight) women first join apps, the number of incoming matches can be overwhelming. They often end up going on three, four, or even five dates per week during the first month, which leads to burnout, as dating can be emotionally draining. The result? They delete the app, only to reinstall it later when they get bored again and need validation. To avoid this cycle, moderation and discernment are key.

Dating & Attachment Styles

Modern ways of meeting people and new technologies have changed our romantic landscape, and therefore, the kind of emotional support people now need in dating.

For example, anxious types (who are often women) tend to circle around the existential question: “Why am I not being chosen?” They often find themselves trying to “fix” situations that are not meant to be fixed, starting from the foundational anxiety of “Why isn’t he texting me?”

There’s a strong connection between anxious attachment and emotional burnout from excessive app use, something more common among women. On the other hand, men often experience rejection sensitivity, which can lead to lower self-esteem.

Core Beliefs & Dysfunctional Patterns

Everything related to mental health is also related to dating, because everything we are, everything we’ve lived through, and everything we carry inside us is projected onto our romantic and relational field and onto every partner or potential partner.

The need for connection and all our efforts that stem from it, even through a series of relationships that didn’t go well or experiences we labeled as “failures”, they all play an essential part in a process we can’t understand until we see it looking backwards. Even while we may be suffering deeply, something essential is being transformed.

This process mirrors our behavioral patterns, the roles we play in relationships, how we interpret situations, what we keep doing (even when it doesn’t work), and how we can change it using the right tools.

The goal is to become aware of why we do what we do, to feel compassion for ourselves for having developed these protective coping mechanisms, and even admiration for our own inventiveness. Then comes the stage of taking responsibility and stepping into maturity.

The real challenge is to rediscover and gently return to our authentic, wise self, the one who doesn’t fear, doesn’t feel threatened, and therefore no longer needs to act in the same self-protective ways. That’s the level where true healing happens.

If you’d like to explore how to manage situations that affect you negatively during dating or new relationships, I’m here to help. Fill out the form, and I’ll get in touch!

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What to wear on your dating profile

Irini Georgi

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What to wear on your dating profile pics

A profile without photos is like a summer vacation nowhere near a beach. And since we’re talking about profile photos and beaches, don’t just post pictures of beaches. No matter how pretty they are. If we wanted to look at landscapes, we’d open a National Geographic.

If there’s a beach photo, you need to be in it. Now, if you believe you look terrible in every photo, you’re probably right, especially if:

  • it’s obvious you’ve cropped out your ex
  • your better-looking friends are standing next to you
  • the photo looks like it’s from the 90s, or
  • it’s a wedding photo and you’re the groom

You need new pictures. Here are some tips on what to wear and how to show up in them:

Sunglasses, aka the accessory of mystery

The number one rule is don’t wear sunglasses in all your photos, please limit them to one or two. Don’t try to look cool. Your eyes, your gaze and your smile are the most important elements that make someone feel, “I could connect with this person.” Also, if you’re wearing a hat in every single picture, that’s suspicious. If you’ve lost your hair, don’t try to hide it.

Jacket or blazer: yes. Tie: no.

A tie makes you look too closed-off and overly serious. It gives the impression that your career is your whole life, and it doesn’t exactly scream “fun date.” It’s like talking about yourself using your résumé. This isn’t LinkedIn. Show your relaxed, human side, not your professional one, with casual or smart casual outfits. Layering a shirt on top of a t-shirt and your favorite pair of jeans or chinos, is a fail-proof outfit idea.

(Of course, if you have one great, professionally taken photo in a tie where you’re smiling and look amazing, you can absolutely keep that one.

Variety is key

You want a woman to feel she could fit into your life. Choose photos from different moments: nature, travel, work, events, sports, so she can get a glimpse of your lifestyle and see whether your worlds might fit into each other.

Sexy or cringe?

If you’ve got a good body, it’s natural to want to show it off, but not in more than one (1) beach photo, and definitely not a bathroom selfie. Careful with gym photos, too: if you look like you’re flexing, it just looks ridiculous. In general, avoid giving the impression that you care more about your appearance than your personality or more about you than about the person you’re hoping to meet. 

Glasses

If you’re over 35 or 40, think about when you last updated them. If it’s been more than five years, it may be time for a new pair. Just like untrimmed thinning hair, outdated glasses can make you look older than you are and, let’s be honest, a bit sad. Refresh your look with new frames and a fresh haircut. Time for a comeback.

Have a different outfit for your first date

There’s an old meme that goes like this:

“On my first date with my husband, he wore a really nice shirt.

On our second date, he wore another really nice shirt, and I thought, wow, a man with great style and wardrobe. On the third date, I realized… okay, he owns two shirts.”

If you show up to a date wearing the exact same outfit as in your profile picture, she’ll think you don’t have anything else decent to wear.

If you want help creating the perfect dating app profile, fill out the form and we’ll build it together!

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What dating apps really have to offer

Dating apps entered our lives within the last decade. Online dating already existed through social media or dating websites (mainly in the U.S.), but apps made the whole thing far more accessible and widespread, because you literally have them in your hand all day through your phone.

What they offer us is choice. It’s like being in ten or a hundred bars every night, while sitting at home in your pajamas. That didn’t exist before. You had to seize the moment when you were out and actually make a move, otherwise you’d have to wait until next Saturday night.

Dating apps also brought what we call an intentional approach to dating, that is, the ability to date with purpose, something people have always wanted, but couldn’t easily do before on their own initiative.

You couldn’t just decide to go on a date because you felt like it; you relied on introductions through family (matchmaking), community, or church. In short, dating apps are a valuable tool, as long as you learn to use them safely, responsibly, and a little cleverly.

But it’s important to note: through apps you meet people. You don’t date them. In reality, they’re introduction apps. You meet another human being, the app simply does the introduction. “Romeo, this is Juliet. You both enjoy drinking latte and going for walks. Good luck.”

Once you’ve met the other person, whatever relationship develops between you becomes something self-standing, completely independent from the app. It’s important to understand this, because very often people find excuses for themselves and justify their behavior in app-based connections, avoiding accountability.

But really, people we meet on the apps aren’t different from people we meet elsewhere. We owe them the same level of respect we owe to anyone in “real life”.

 

Why does Gen Z seem to use dating apps less than previous generations?

First, there’s a common saying about dating apps:

“Everyone hates them but everyone’s on them.”

As for Gen Z, part of the phenomenon has to do with the world they inherited, which unfortunately isn’t the same as the one previous generations grew up in.

Repeated economic crises, the pandemic, the housing crisis, growing conservatism, the collapse of dreams and expectations, and a general sense of hopelessness about the future, all of these have contributed to what we now call the male loneliness epidemic.

These factors make this generation operate under a cloud of uncertainty, unsure whether they’ll ever live what we once called a “conventional life”, with a house, family, and children.

That can lead to a kind of resignation in the search for partners, especially among men who still identify with the traditional gender role of being the provider.

On the other hand, this generation, the dating app natives who grew up with the apps, are also in a position to reject them.

A more progressive segment doesn’t want to depend on tech giants (broligarchs), algorithms, or the AI that has now entered the dating space. They crave more authentic interactions, not mediated by technology.

(A more conservative segment, on the other hand, wants to get married at 22, with trends like “trad wife”, and some young women’s dream is to stay home baking bread and raising children),

Meanwhile, studies record “swiping fatigue”, meaning exhaustion from constant app use, from superficial connections, and from the vicious cycle of situationships that often emerge through them.

We also see a longing for something more meaningful, a nostalgia for something they never really experienced, like the “meet-cutes” of 90s romantic comedies, those magical accidental encounters in real life, that tend to disappear.

There’s a connection to social media trends like “main character energy”, seeing yourself as the protagonist of your own movie and manifesting. In a way, these are coping mechanisms for a pretty dystopian reality, where the only answer and solution seems to be magical thinking.

It all comes back to something I often tell my clients: You have to actually do something to meet new people. You can’t expect a gorgeous neighbor to knock on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar, or to find the love of your life in your fridge. Unfortunately, life isn’t a rom-com.

If you want to learn how to use dating apps the right way, I can help you build your ideal dating profile with the right photos and a bio that represent you in the most flattering, authentic way. Fill out the form and we’ll take it from there!

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Not just dating coaching

Dating Coach Irini Georgi

If you follow dating coaches on social media or have watched Later Daters on Netflix, you might have a very specific idea of what a dating coach does. Let me stop you right there. That’s not who I am.

The whole concept might seem very life-coachy to you or you might think it’s about teaching Pick Up Artist tricks or just charlatanism. On top of that, since I openly do this from a feminist perspective, I often hear men say that because feminists don’t want to meet men, so what I must be doing is teaching women to hate and avoid them. Let me stop you again. I don’t do that either.

What I want is to destigmatize dating in general because we don’t take it seriously enough. Meanwhile, we take marriage and family very seriously, which makes me wonder, how are you supposed to meet someone to marry? Will you open the fridge and find the love of your life inside, right between the cheese and the half eaten leftovers?

We need to remove the stigma from the dating process and from any tools that make it easier, like dating apps. It’s a shame that being on dating apps is still considered embarrassing for many people. As I often say, it’s like looking for a job or to fill a position, but being too embarrassed to create a profile on LinkedIn. But my thoughts on dating apps are all on my interviews, I won’t bore you here.

It’s not just about the dating process itself. It’s about how we approach the process, what baggage we carry, and what tools we use. In dating and relationships, we bring our whole selves. Everything that we are. From social norms and stereotypes to personal beliefs, values, ideals, and even traumas and repetitive patterns that have proven to lead nowhere.

Regarding my coaching, I often talk more about the work I do with men, because otherwise, men assume it’s not relevant to them. That’s because men don’t pay much attention to what women say and, when they see women speak, they often watch with the sound off.

I coach both men and women, and the work I do depends on each person’s specific needs and the level at which I can meet them. With women, we often go into deeper issues and do what we call “deep work” because they’re more likely to have gone to therapy or to have done some work on themselves, while men might mainly be interested in advancing their communication skills. But not all men are like that, and not all women are either.

Generally, my coaching goes way beyond first approaches and texting or guidelines for first dates. We go much deeper. For example:

For a man who told me his goal was to build confidence, I sent the following:

 Confidence is crucial in dating and relationships, although people usually view it superficially. In reality, the foundation of confidence is self-esteem, that’s what it’s built upon. In our culture, we don’t talk enough about how to build solid secure self-esteem.

We can work on this together. We can identify the limiting beliefs that hold you back and create your own hero story, so you feel like the main character in your life. And of course, we’ll explore what exactly is happening in your relationships with women—what mistakes were made in the past, what needs redefining, improvement, perspective shifts and new approach strategies.

For a woman who told me she was tired of dating and felt like she always messed things up and that it was her fault, I replied:

I understand that modern dating creates a sense of frustration, and often women, in particular, wonder if they’re doing something wrong. The answer is that while we all generally have dysfunctional patterns that we project in romantic relationships, that doesn’t mean things are easy or that it’s entirely our fault. The only thing we can control, however, is our own actions.

It’s worth examining your Relationship History to deconstruct what has happened so far, understand the past and gain insights for the future so you can break out of potential vicious cycles and make wiser choices. You may need to learn to use new tools and adopt new habits and behaviours to unlock blockages and move to the next level.

 This is the work I do. I also wanted to note a question from my interview on fortuno.gr. The male journalist mentioned a line he heard from a woman:

“Sorry, I can’t go on with this. I don’t know how to behave with men who aren’t assholes.”

His question was:

“How easy is it for people to change the pattern of who they’re attracted to, even when they’re aware it’s harmful?”

 I answered that this is the million-dollar question. This is where therapy comes to play, because our choices and behaviours in relationships are rooted in our trauma. The logic is, “we marry our unfinished business,” meaning we don’t choose partners who are truly suitable for us or who are likely to bring us closer to happiness. Unfortunately, we often choose those who remind us of a familiar unhappiness.

We keep entering these relationships, trying to fix our past and change the ending. That’s why “nice guys” seem boring.

It’s not because women want “bad boys”. It’s because people who haven’t done enough self-work are programmed to seek the familiar in their relationships, even if it’s painful, in an attempt to rewrite the story and finally find resolution.

In my work, it’s extremely helpful to understand what happened in the past that led someone to behave and function the way they do now. Even if they can’t see the patterns clearly, we see them together.

It’s important to be aware that everyone is made up of dozens of coping mechanisms developed in the past for self-protection, but are now dysfunctional. Recognizing and intervening to change them is key.

Another useful aspect is that of core beliefs about oneself that have been shaped by past traumas. We can also intervene in these and start challenging them. In my coaching, we do exercises to identify them, but it helps when people have heard about all this before because hearing it once is not enough. We need to hear the same things and relate to what we hear many times, until something inside us begins to shift.

In general, the coaching I do includes trauma awareness, because while true healing is about the past, coaching is about the here and now, with clear, practical steps. My coaching also involves education, mainly for men, as well as self-exploration exercises for everyone, along with tools for relationships and communication. This way, the pieces of the puzzle come together and work in synergy.

If any of this resonates with you, if you feel the time has come and you’d like to see what we can work on and achieve together, fill out the form below, and I’ll get back to you. Let’s do this!

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The truth about incels

A modern feminist approach challenging the narrative & creating change

Incels are often seen as villains in many feminist circles. They are the enemy, just like feminism is their enemy. But there should be no war at all. In reality, the vast majority of men who identify as incels aren’t mass murderers but depressed, isolated and underprivileged men who harm themselves more so than others. Feminism ought to stand by their side, because feminism should mean empathy and solidarity.

The problem

Incels perceive themselves as having lower value as romantic or sexual partners than other men. They place excessive importance on physical attractiveness and financial prospects to attract women, and underestimate women’s preferences for intelligence, kindness and humour. Incels’ inaccurate perception of what women desire in partnerships, leads to blaming women as well as other men for their lack of romantic success.

The role of dating apps

Rejection on dating apps amplifies their beliefs, with adverse consequences on their mental health. They create a distorted self-perception with low self-esteem, develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, and avoid accountability for their actions. By projecting their insecurities onto external reality, they reinforce patriarchal values and dehumanize the women they seek to date, further reducing their chances of romantic success.

A vicious cycle

Rejection sensitivity refers to an individual’s heightened and often anxious response to the perceived possibility of rejection or social exclusion. It seems that in rejecting themselves and believing they will not be good enough for potential partners, incels believe everyone else will agree. This may contribute to self-isolation and hostile behaviour, making them more dismissive of others and resulting in an unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy.

The solution

It’s time to stop blaming incels and start blaming the society that raised them. Unlearning harmful anti-feminist ideals and seeking education on women’s lived experiences, is the start. Learning to cultivate trust in humanity, building one’s self-esteem with deep work, by seeking social and mental health support and recognizing that romantic relationships are possible for everyone, is the key to creating meaningful change.

My work is to help and guide men through the path of escaping maladaptive thinking and behaviour patterns that harm them and their possibilities of forming healthy relationships. I can help men redefine their ideas of masculinity and femininity and understand the female experience. Understanding leads to empathy and empathy leads to connection, which is marks the start of relationships. Let me be part of your journey and guide you through. It’s time for change!

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