Irini Georgi

Irini Georgi

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The male vs female experience on dating apps and what to do about it

the male vs the female experience on dating apps

Dating apps weren’t designed to bring us closer to love. They were designed to keep us “inside” as long as possible. They’re capitalist products, built to sell subscriptions and capture our attention, not to cure our loneliness. That means the system doesn’t really work in our favour. It plays with our FOMO, competition, and an overload of choices that don’t translate into real opportunities.

But, and this is the crucial point, the fact that the platform doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it can’t work with the right use. To find quality connections in this environment, you need awareness, emotional maturity, and a clear strategy. The people who do the inner work, who know how to present themselves authentically and communicate without games, stand out immediately, precisely because most people don’t do any of that.

Within the system, men and women end up playing the same game with completely different rules, and they rarely understand the other side’s reality. These asymmetries aren’t personal. They’re structural. But they shape everything: who swipes, who matches, who messages, who gets overwhelmed and who gets ignored. Here’s what the research, and real lived experience, actually shows.

  1. Men face scarcity. Women face overwhelm.

Most men get very few matches. Most women get more attention than they can handle.
This is the core imbalance, and it’s backed by almost every study on online dating.

  • Men swipe more, initiate more, and face more silence.
  • Women receive more messages, more sexual content, and more harassment.

The result?

  • Men feel invisible.
  • Women feel unsafe.

These emotional realities drive the behaviours on both sides. Men cast a wide net because they get so little feedback. Women become selective because broad filters are a safety strategy, not an ego trip.

  1. Algorithms exaggerate inequality, not personality.

Apps don’t show all profiles equally. They promote the most “engaging” profiles and bury the average ones. Research (Bruch & Newman, Tinder’s own internal data) shows:

  • The top 10–20% of men receive most of the likes from women. (Specifically on Tinder, where the gender distribution divide is the biggest).
  • The average man barely gets seen.
  • Women get overexposed to a small minority of men, many of whom aren’t actually looking for a relationship.

This isn’t a moral failing on either gender. It’s a marketplace distortion that makes both sides miserable.

  1. Men swipe on possibility. Women swipe on probability.

Behaviour diverges sharply:

  • Men operate on the “why not?” principle. They swipe broadly and filter later.
  • Women operate on “give me one good reason.” They filter first and engage only when someone feels safe, interesting, or intentional.

This is why men often feel rejected before they even get started. The bar women use is higher, and for good reason: safety, emotional labour, and social cost all weigh heavier on them.

  1. Men take more risks, women take more precautions.

Studies on risk-taking (David & Cambre, 2016) show men are more inclined toward gambling-style behaviour. On apps this translates into:

  • rapid swiping
  • more experimentation
  • more willingness to initiate with strangers

Women, on the other hand, must navigate harassment, stalking risks, and security concerns. So their “selectiveness” isn’t entitlement — it’s survival.

  1. Men prioritise physical traits, women prioritise internal or socio-economic traits depending on ideology.

The Hanson (2021) findings still hold:

  • Men: appearance first, everything else second.
  • Conservative women: economic and status markers.
  • Liberal/progressive women: emotional intelligence, inner work, values alignment.

This is crucial: Progressive women aren’t looking for perfection, they’re looking for men who are emotionally literate, self-reflective, and not threatened by equality. That pool is smaller but not non-existent, and the men who do the work stand out dramatically.

  1. Both genders end up frustrated for opposite reasons.

This is the part almost nobody says plainly:

  • Men assume women have endless options, so they feel resentful or hopeless.
  • Women assume men are dangerous or unserious, so they feel guarded or exhausted.

These aren’t based on bad intentions, they’re based on the structure of the platforms themselves. The system creates unrealistic expectations, distorted perceptions, and a generalised distrust that has nothing to do with the individual person behind the profile.

So is it hopeless? No. But it is unrealistic to “just wing it.”

The people who thrive on dating apps today aren’t the hottest, richest, or youngest.
They’re the ones who understand:

  • how the system actually works
  • how the other gender experiences it
  • how to present themselves honestly but effectively
  • how to communicate with clarity, warmth, and intention
  • how to regulate their emotions so they don’t sabotage promising connections

Apps amplify both your strengths and your weaknesses.
If you don’t understand the dynamics, you miss out.

What I help people do:

This is where my work comes in, and it’s the part the apps can’t do for anyone. I help men and women:

  • Build a profile that communicates depth, uniqueness, warmth, and acts as a beacon to compatible people
  • Understand the psychology of attraction in a progressive, evidence-based way
  • Develop communication and emotional skills that create real connection
  • Navigate dating apps with strategy instead of desperation
  • Date in alignment with their values, not in reaction to trauma or scarcity
  • Break patterns that keep attracting the wrong people

The dating landscape is unequal, but it’s navigable. Dating app structure matters, but skills matter more and inner work matters most.

When people understand the reality of the system and develop the right habits, dating apps stop feeling like chaos and start becoming an opportunity. Want to work with me? Fill in the form below and I’ll get back to you!

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Men & Vulnerability

A challenge for men

Vulnerability has become the new buzzword in relationships, much like “empathy” was a few years ago. Since women overwhelmingly seek therapy and counselling to explore and understand their emotional inner worlds, there’s growing pressure on men to evolve emotionally to avoid being left behind.

However, this request often falls flat. While men may desire the courage to embrace vulnerability, as it sounds promising, they often grapple with internal resistance or societal expectations of masculinity. Traditionally, vulnerability suggests weakness, and it’s defined as being exposed to the possibility of physical or emotional harm.

Historically, male roles centered around strength, protection, and provision. Being asked to show vulnerability can feel like a threat, clashing with ingrained narratives of masculinity that discourage anything perceived as weakness. Failing to meet these standards often triggers fears of rejection and social exclusion.

Survival strategies from prehistoric times taught men to assess each other for weaknesses, as any sign of frailty was seen as a liability to the group. Such men were undervalued as partners and were in risk of losing social standing. This evolutionary instinct still prompts men to conceal any perceived vulnerabilities.

Brené Brown, known for her research on shame, redefines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Her perspective reveals the courage required to engage in vulnerable acts. Demonstrating bravery garners respect and admiration, not just from other men but also from potential partners, aligning with cultural “warrior” archetypes found in myths worldwide.

Today, many developed societies enjoy unprecedented physical safety, diminishing the need for male protection. Ironically, men now feel inherently vulnerable because the traditional protector role is less relevant. The diminished need for male protection challenges their sense of value and purpose, sparking a broader identity crisis.

Men’s existential need to be needed is significant and documented. Studies in the U.S. show that messages like “No one needs me” and “I’m worthless” are common themes in men’s suicide notes. Women’s economic independence has also shifted traditional dynamics, reducing men’s role as providers. Adjusting to this cultural shift in just a few generations is no easy feat.

Vulnerability is often misunderstood as merely expressing deep emotions, but it encompasses much more: asking for what you want, setting boundaries, requesting help, trying new things despite the risk of failure, and approaching a potential partner with the possibility of rejection.

In essence, vulnerability surfaces whenever our identity faces potential challenge or risk.

 

The value of vulnerability in relationships

In intimate relationships, vulnerability fosters closeness, a vital element for healthy connections. Sharing your truth invites genuine connection and builds trust. Revealing our authentic selves signals that we have nothing to hide and pose no threat.

People often conceal their truth in order to maintain a sense of control and security, avoiding discomfort. Healthy vulnerability requires discernment—knowing what to share, with whom, and when. It’s part of personal growth, pushing us beyond our comfort zones to explore new possibilities. Without venturing into the unknown, we miss opportunities for transformation.

Vulnerability demands courage—to face fears and take leaps of faith without guaranteed safety. While falling flat on our face and failing are very real, possibilities, each attempt teaches resilience and flexibility, making future challenges less daunting.

 

Can men be vulnerable and attractive?

There’s no universal answer, as women’s preferences vary based on upbringing, culture, trauma, and personal experiences. However, one general principle holds: vulnerability expressed from a weakened, self-deprecating place often feels uncomfortable for women. If a weeping man appears unable to care for himself, let alone his partner, it can be unsettling for a woman.

On the contrary, vulnerability is attractive when it stems from a man’s empowered self. When men accept themselves and strive for growth without seeking validation, they display strength—even in tears. This form of vulnerability isn’t weakness but courage: revealing imperfections without collapsing or begging for approval.

True vulnerability is an act of bravery, a willingness to take risks despite insecurity. By embracing this mindset, relationships can flourish, allowing deeper, more meaningful connections. Without such openness, relationships risk stagnation, becoming dry and unfulfilling.

Emotional closeness is the essence, the magical elixir that reveals the other person in their multi-layered wholeness and helps keep the relationship alive.

Vulnerability isn’t easy, but that’s its nature. Men can choose to remain attached to outdated standards of masculinity or become part of the new generation of men who opt for equal, mutual, and authentic relationships.

 

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Taylor Swift, dating, politics & cats

Taylor Swift’s proud self-identification as a “childless cat lady” in a post supporting Kamala Harris over Donald Trump, is both a sign of the times and a milestone.

Women are becoming more politically engaged than ever, on a global scale, and increasingly progressive, as they finally realize that the personal is political and that their hard-won rights, achieved through pain and struggle, are never entirely secure.

The Economist’s article “The Growing Gulf Between Young Men and Women” describes the phenomenon of the political gap between young men and women.

Even though for the incredibly beautiful and wealthy Taylor Swift, the statement is neither brave nor risky, but provocatively and defiantly ironic, it signifies the official reclamation of the term “cat lady”. It opens the door for every woman to embrace it fearlessly because, for many, it’s the best possible alternative.

Every day, there are men who tell women who dare to deviate from societal stereotypes and expectations—or who simply refuse to stay silent—sarcastic and mocking remarks like, “you’ll end up alone with your cats.” Perhaps it’s time they rethink this “joke” and start wondering why women are choosing cats (or dogs or succulents) over the available men.

The era of women feeling ashamed for being alone with their cats is over. It is now a conscious choice. They evaluate the men available and choose to stay out of the game.

So let’s reconsider the cat-lady stereotype and whom it really insults. Because for women—who, throughout history, could never freely make this choice—it is an earned victory.

  • When you gain education, you reject people who deny science and those who are racist, homophobic, intolerant, and bigoted.
  • When you read more, travel, and broaden your mind, you may reject organized religion and the Church.
  • When you work and become financially independent, you reject men whose only offer is financial support.
  • When you develop class consciousness, you reject conservatives and far-right ideologies.
  • When you undergo feminist awakening, you reject misogynists and sexists—even benevolent ones—because you want to be seen as an equal human being, not a delicate flower or an ethereal creature.
  • When you learn about healthy relationships and what constitutes abuse, you reject controlling, jealous partners who try to dictate your life and mould you into what they want.
  • When you go through therapy, you reject emotionally unavailable partners—or at least you stop torturing yourself trying to make such relationships work. You stop telling yourself you can survive on crumbs. You want it all or nothing.

And sometimes, you end up alone. But this solitude is hard-earned. It is costly and precious, even if it hurts. However, you might have a soft, purring kitty in your lap.

 

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