If you follow dating coaches on social media or have watched Later Daters on Netflix, you might have a very specific idea of what a dating coach does. Let me stop you right there. That’s not who I am.
The whole concept might seem very life-coachy to you or you might think it’s about teaching Pick Up Artist tricks or just charlatanism. On top of that, since I openly do this from a feminist perspective, I often hear men say that because feminists don’t want to meet men, so what I must be doing is teaching women to hate and avoid them. Let me stop you again. I don’t do that either.
What I want is to destigmatize dating in general because we don’t take it seriously enough. Meanwhile, we take marriage and family very seriously, which makes me wonder, how are you supposed to meet someone to marry? Will you open the fridge and find the love of your life inside, right between the cheese and the half eaten leftovers?
We need to remove the stigma from the dating process and from any tools that make it easier, like dating apps. It’s a shame that being on dating apps is still considered embarrassing for many people. As I often say, it’s like looking for a job or to fill a position, but being too embarrassed to create a profile on LinkedIn. But my thoughts on dating apps are all on my interviews, I won’t bore you here.
It’s not just about the dating process itself. It’s about how we approach the process, what baggage we carry, and what tools we use. In dating and relationships, we bring our whole selves. Everything that we are. From social norms and stereotypes to personal beliefs, values, ideals, and even traumas and repetitive patterns that have proven to lead nowhere.
Regarding my coaching, I often talk more about the work I do with men, because otherwise, men assume it’s not relevant to them. That’s because men don’t pay much attention to what women say and, when they see women speak, they often watch with the sound off.
I coach both men and women, and the work I do depends on each person’s specific needs and the level at which I can meet them. With women, we often go into deeper issues and do what we call “deep work” because they’re more likely to have gone to therapy or to have done some work on themselves, while men might mainly be interested in advancing their communication skills. But not all men are like that, and not all women are either.
Generally, my coaching goes way beyond first approaches and texting or guidelines for first dates. We go much deeper. For example:
For a man who told me his goal was to build confidence, I sent the following:
Confidence is crucial in dating and relationships, although people usually view it superficially. In reality, the foundation of confidence is self-esteem, that’s what it’s built upon. In our culture, we don’t talk enough about how to build solid secure self-esteem.
We can work on this together. We can identify the limiting beliefs that hold you back and create your own hero story, so you feel like the main character in your life. And of course, we’ll explore what exactly is happening in your relationships with women—what mistakes were made in the past, what needs redefining, improvement, perspective shifts and new approach strategies.
For a woman who told me she was tired of dating and felt like she always messed things up and that it was her fault, I replied:
I understand that modern dating creates a sense of frustration, and often women, in particular, wonder if they’re doing something wrong. The answer is that while we all generally have dysfunctional patterns that we project in romantic relationships, that doesn’t mean things are easy or that it’s entirely our fault. The only thing we can control, however, is our own actions.
It’s worth examining your Relationship History to deconstruct what has happened so far, understand the past and gain insights for the future so you can break out of potential vicious cycles and make wiser choices. You may need to learn to use new tools and adopt new habits and behaviours to unlock blockages and move to the next level.
This is the work I do. I also wanted to note a question from my interview on fortuno.gr. The male journalist mentioned a line he heard from a woman:
“Sorry, I can’t go on with this. I don’t know how to behave with men who aren’t assholes.”
His question was:
“How easy is it for people to change the pattern of who they’re attracted to, even when they’re aware it’s harmful?”
I answered that this is the million-dollar question. This is where therapy comes to play, because our choices and behaviours in relationships are rooted in our trauma. The logic is, “we marry our unfinished business,” meaning we don’t choose partners who are truly suitable for us or who are likely to bring us closer to happiness. Unfortunately, we often choose those who remind us of a familiar unhappiness.
We keep entering these relationships, trying to fix our past and change the ending. That’s why “nice guys” seem boring.
It’s not because women want “bad boys”. It’s because people who haven’t done enough self-work are programmed to seek the familiar in their relationships, even if it’s painful, in an attempt to rewrite the story and finally find resolution.
In my work, it’s extremely helpful to understand what happened in the past that led someone to behave and function the way they do now. Even if they can’t see the patterns clearly, we see them together.
It’s important to be aware that everyone is made up of dozens of coping mechanisms developed in the past for self-protection, but are now dysfunctional. Recognizing and intervening to change them is key.
Another useful aspect is that of core beliefs about oneself that have been shaped by past traumas. We can also intervene in these and start challenging them. In my coaching, we do exercises to identify them, but it helps when people have heard about all this before because hearing it once is not enough. We need to hear the same things and relate to what we hear many times, until something inside us begins to shift.
In general, the coaching I do includes trauma awareness, because while true healing is about the past, coaching is about the here and now, with clear, practical steps. My coaching also involves education, mainly for men, as well as self-exploration exercises for everyone, along with tools for relationships and communication. This way, the pieces of the puzzle come together and work in synergy.
If any of this resonates with you, if you feel the time has come and you’d like to see what we can work on and achieve together, fill out the form below, and I’ll get back to you. Let’s do this!
