A modern feminist approach challenging the narrative & creating change
Incels are often seen as villains in many feminist circles. They are the enemy, just like feminism is their enemy. But there should be no war at all. In reality, the vast majority of men who identify as incels aren’t mass murderers but depressed, isolated and underprivileged men who harm themselves more so than others. Feminism ought to stand by their side, because feminism should mean empathy and solidarity.
The problem
Incels perceive themselves as having lower value as romantic or sexual partners than other men. They place excessive importance on physical attractiveness and financial prospects to attract women, and underestimate women’s preferences for intelligence, kindness and humour. Incels’ inaccurate perception of what women desire in partnerships, leads to blaming women as well as other men for their lack of romantic success.
The role of dating apps
Rejection on dating apps amplifies their beliefs, with adverse consequences on their mental health. They create a distorted self-perception with low self-esteem, develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, and avoid accountability for their actions. By projecting their insecurities onto external reality, they reinforce patriarchal values and dehumanize the women they seek to date, further reducing their chances of romantic success.
A vicious cycle
Rejection sensitivity refers to an individual’s heightened and often anxious response to the perceived possibility of rejection or social exclusion. It seems that in rejecting themselves and believing they will not be good enough for potential partners, incels believe everyone else will agree. This may contribute to self-isolation and hostile behaviour, making them more dismissive of others and resulting in an unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy.
The solution
It’s time to stop blaming incels and start blaming the society that raised them. Unlearning harmful anti-feminist ideals and seeking education on women’s lived experiences, is the start. Learning to cultivate trust in humanity, building one’s self-esteem with deep work, by seeking social and mental health support and recognizing that romantic relationships are possible for everyone, is the key to creating meaningful change.
My work is to help and guide men through the path of escaping maladaptive thinking and behaviour patterns that harm them and their possibilities of forming healthy relationships. I can help men redefine their ideas of masculinity and femininity and understand the female experience. Understanding leads to empathy and empathy leads to connection, which is marks the start of relationships. Let me be part of your journey and guide you through. It’s time for change!