The term “toxic masculinity,” used in public discourse over the past few years to describe problematic expressions of stereotypical masculinity, is toxic in itself.
We don’t want to tell men that masculinity is toxic. We want to tell men that many of the ways they were taught to act and things they were taught to do to prove they are men, are problematic. They don’t need to prove their masculinity to anyone. It’s undeniable. There’s no need for a “masculinity meter.”
We often talk about redefining male identity, free from patriarchal stereotypes. A male identity that is not inherently tied to believing that femininity is inferior. Masculinity free of misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, or violence. Masculinity where vulnerability and the full spectrum of emotions are allowed, not just anger.
Yes, true masculinity—free from patriarchal demands—is closer to femininity than we’ve been raised to believe, but it still has differences. Positive masculinity is courage, bravery, a protective instinct, kindness, fatherhood, calculated risk-taking, and the pursuit of resources and creating for the benefit of family and society.
From a biological determinism and evolutionary perspective, yes, men have evolved to source and produce more resources than they need, to ensure survival for others. Movements like the Manosphere and MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) are contrary to their nature.
To find meaning and purpose, men need to feel needed.
In this era of the male loneliness “epidemic”, as documented by global statistics, the most common words written in the notes of men who took their own lives were “useless” and “worthless.” Feeling needed is a fundamental aspect of masculinity and crucial for men to feel they belong in society.
Men need meaningful relationships in their lives—with women and other men. Traditionally, they’ve relied on women to handle relationships while they were just “there,” never learning how to create and nurture these connections.
Now that women live independently, single men experiencing the economic crisis are becoming isolated, turning to numbing coping mechanisms like gaming, pornography, and substance abuse. They feel lost and they let their lives go to waste. This affects millions of young men and harms society as a whole.
We need to stop blaming men and recognize that the societal expectations from them have changed so drastically and rapidly in the last decades, that many of them couldn’t adapt.
They were raised for a role that no longer exists. Now, they must create a new role for themselves, find their place in society, and learn things they were never taught—starting with emotions and meaningful relationships. Because both society and women, we need good men.
Note 1:
“Positive masculinity” is not a formal term. Just as we’ve grown used to negatively labelling masculinity, we now need positive descriptors, images, and examples of it. If masculinity could embody these traits, we’d live in a safer world for all.
Dividing human traits into “male” and “female” categories was a huge mistake. Women have been allowed to adopt “male” traits, but men are forbidden from adopting “female” ones, leaving them broken. This concept is inspired by relational therapist Terry Real, one of the first to discuss stereotypical masculinity and patriarchy, and its damaging role in relationships.
Note 2:
Public discourse on these issues is gradually changing, requiring a modern perspective. When I started talking about rape culture, in 2016, I realized the end goal shouldn’t be to educate women, but men. Until then, this was seen as a “women’s issue.”
Jackson Katz’s work gave me the authority to say, “This is a men’s issue,” because he, a man, had said it first about male violence. We need to talk to men. Even if they’re not to blame, they must take responsibility for fixing what’s broken. They need to speak to other men and serve as positive role models.
Men also need empowerment, though this may sound absurd to the primary victims of patriarchy—women. But this is now a reality. There are countless organizations, movements, and content empowering women, but for men, there are only alpha male influencers and alt-right misogynistic rhetoric.
These are the only voices engaging with men, worsening the situation. Many men feel hated for existing. They’re not pursuing education, they’ve lost their hopes of high earning careers, and they are vulnerable, isolated, and lost, especially after economic crises. Yes, they’re vulnerable—they’re committing suicide at alarming rates.
It’s not any woman’s job or responsibility to fix this. But society has to and we need to be talking about it. I coach women who want to connect with men, and right now, these men are what’s out there. We have to find solutions.
