The most important and surprising aspect of flirting is empathy. Being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, observing how they react, imagining how they feel and what they need, is the name of the craft.
Within the last decade, in the era of dating apps, flirting seems almost outdated. Like part of some dusty etiquette from a bygone romantic era. The thing is, flirting is so much more than clichéd pick-up lines in a bar while trying to buy a girl tequila shots, and very far from shouting “morning beautiful” to a stranger walking down the street.
Back in the day, while on holiday, I’d posted this:
As far as flirting goes, today I was walking back to the village from the beach, a truck passes me by with a goat in the back, driver slows down, gives me an “aaahhh”. Goat observes whole process with mild curiosity while chewing some grass”.
Flirting is a vitally important social process. Apart from the fact we need flirting to mate, if we want our species to survive, we also need flirting to feel good about ourselves.
Flirting is what reassures us that we deserve to exist in our community in all our weirdness and peculiarity, it offers us validation, that we’re good enough as we are, that what we are is enough, it gives us confidence and it’s good for our mental health.
The point isn’t to stop flirting, but to learn better ways to flirt. It’s time to stop “flirting” in ways that do harm, and practice how to flirt so that flirting is what it should be, pleasurable and good for us; a piece of dark chocolate for the soul.
But first, we need to appreciate its true value. Good flirting promotes a huge and underrated truth about sex. That what really matters is not so much the act itself, but another person’s desire for us and their willingness to accept us. Before the act. It may be hard to admit, but this is what gives us validation, not the act itself.
We seek the feeling that we are attractive enough for someone to want to join us in this delightful interaction. What we need is acceptance. Flirting does this in the most pleasant and playful way. Because flirting is a game, but in good flirting, there’s no winner. You’re not looking to win because there are no losers. Everyone wins.
Flirting is a game, like throwing passes, and you can’t throw passes by yourself. You can’t flirt by yourself. The other person has to agree to play with you because if they don’t and you continue, you’re just throwing a ball at someone’s head. This isn’t on. It takes two to want to pass the ball on.
The longed-for connection between two people and the enjoyment of play, may begin with body language, with looks, smiles, hair flicks, or “shoulders out, stomach in” if you’re out there in real life, but words are what makes or breaks the spell. Language and communication are the ingredients that turn flirting into something more than a tropical bird mating ritual.
You start with an original, well targeted serve and when you get some interest back, you pass to a conversation that’s hopefully not small talk about the weather, but a little personal and conspiratorial or confessional. Humour and laughter are everything. The back-and-forth, the good-natured teasing and teasing back, the exchange of friendly fire, these are the moves that make flirting lead to sparks and excitement.
Men often think flirting means chasing, but women are not targets to be chased. We don’t want to be chased. This whole concept must end because it perpetuates the idea of women as prey to be hunted, which naturally leads to women becoming victims.
Flirting has to be reciprocated every step of the way; you can’t play with a person who doesn’t want to play.
You’ve heard all the misogynistic “we can’t flirt anymore” nonsense. The men who whine that we’ve criminalised flirting, aren’t talking about flirting. They’re talking about harassment. Flirting is mutual by definition, if it’s a one way street and someone’s being chased, it’s not romance, it’s true crime.
You think women want men to chase them, when all they want is clear, genuine interest and consistency after mutual attraction is established. No bread-crumbing, no benching, no ghosting, no zombying. That’s it.
Let me say it again. If you get no response but you ignore it and continue undeterred, it’s no longer flirting but harassment. No response is a response in itself.
And when men say that’s why they never approach women anymore, because it’s all labelled as harassment, they’re trying to tell us that harassment is all they’re willing to offer, take it or leave it and stop wondering where all the men have gone. Trust me, nobody misses these men. We never wanted these kinds of men. We want better men.
If you want some flirting advice, remember that it’s not about you. See it as a way to observe the little things about a woman you’re interested in and go on an adventure to discover more about her and what you may have in common, which could lead to a connection between you.
Try to avoid falling into the common trap of making quick (and wrong) assumptions about her, and on top of that offering advice. It’s the worst thing you can do. Women don’t need your advice. We’ve all heard countless of “listen, little girl, let me tell you who you are and what you’re doing wrong with your life”. Please. Sort yourself out first and then ask if anyone wants your advice.
Instead, try genuine, well-intentioned curiosity and interest, and a willingness to listen and make the other person feel good. Make sure she has a good time while talking to you. Give her reasons to want to talk to you. Get it off your mind that you’re approaching a woman with a single purpose.
Forget about the purpose. Remember, the number one goal is learning to like women, to appreciate and treat them as human beings. It’s time to put this into practice. You never know what might come of it. A whole world will open up, you may even become actual friends with a woman –shocking, I know.
Nine times out of ten, it’s obvious from a mile away when a man approaches us to use our bodies for sex. It makes women wary because it’s scary to feel like prey and soul-crushing to have someone want something from you all the time, with no intention to give anything back.
Turn the tables. Change the game. Ask her opinion on stuff instead of giving yours. Remember, women have been listening to men’s opinion on everything, for millennia. We‘re sick of it.
Don’t pressure her for anything. It’s great to be a woman and feel like someone is engaging with you without an agenda, just because talking to you is fun and because they care about what you have to say, and make an effort to entertain you too. It’s refreshing and liberating.
If you focus on both of you enjoying the interaction, with no other expectations, you won’t worry as much about possible rejection. The fear of rejection is a direct consequence of our expectations. If your goal is to have her confess her undying love or invite you to her place, you may be disappointed. But if your goal is great conversation and connection, with laughter and good-natured mutual teasing, there is no question of rejection. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not about you. It’s about the dynamic and chemistry between you, which isn’t something anyone can control.
When you talk to someone, online or in real life, be mindful of how they react. If all you get when you text is single word replies, stop. If you move closer at a bar and she pulls back, if she looks away while you’re talking to her, trying to escape, leave her alone. Say thank you with a smile and go back to your friends or move on. This way, no one’s time will be wasted and you’ll save yourself from feeling like a nuisance.
Don’t ask if she’s in a relationship. Think for a moment how problematic it is to have no respect for her and for what she wants, but to respect another man, because the woman you’re interested in “belongs to him”. Don’t be that guy.
Sometimes, the most important thing when you meet someone, is knowing when to walk away. In fact, walking away is a mark of dignity as well as confidence and self-worth, because if you leave before you’re clearly shown that your presence is unwelcome, you actually upgrade your image. You can’t lose. Even if she doesn’t want you, she will appreciate and respect you.
If you want to find out how to flirt in texting or real life and get results, without being called creepy or annoying, work with me one-on-one. My sessions include real talk, practical tools and deeply personalised work. It’s all about you, one size does not fit all!