You might have heard the term “performative male,” because a few weeks ago it was trending all over social media. I made an Instagram video about it, and I’m bringing it here too, because there’s more to unpack.
If you have no idea what it means, let me start by saying that the term “performative male” is actually wrong, or at least incomplete. It comes from “performance,” meaning acting or enacting, and “male”. We know about performative masculinity, which refers to stereotypical masculinity (because men feel obliged to “act like men” and constantly prove their masculinity in order to be considered “real men”). But right now, in pop culture, “performative male” refers to the performance of positive masculinity.
According to the internet, performative males are a sub-category of “nice guys” who try too hard to connect with their feminine side and pretend to like or care about the things women care about, aiming to be more popular and increase their success with women.
This is considered problematic because they abandon their “real” selves to create a façade, a fake persona constructed to get romantic or sexual validation.
The “props” they use, at least according to online jokes, include tote bags (bonus points if they’re recycled cotton), vinyl records tucked inside them, green teas or matcha lattes in hand, and reading books in public, especially feminist theory or literature.
These are the ones that interest us most: the men who pretend to be feminists, but in reality aren’t.
I won’t talk here about those who have bad intentions and consciously use this tactic to deceive, manipulate or abuse. Those men don’t belong in this category, because abusers have always used similar strategies to gain their victims’ trust. They’re willing to do all the “prep work” to appear like exactly what each victim is looking for, so she lowers her guard and surrenders.
I won’t talk about those we know in leftist or activist circles either, who present themselves as progressive, but deep down (or not even that deep), are misogynistic. Unfortunately, there are many of those. They don’t belong in this trend either, because they too exploit movements to create a false sense of safety and trust in women, only to later abuse or disappoint them.
So, apart from those, let’s be clear: we all perform. Every day. Whether it’s clothing, accessories, hair, makeup, how we stand, talk or behave. We all have a public persona, often different depending on the environment we’re in or the audience we’re addressing. That’s just how humans work.
Now, I want to focus on the men who are faking it, but only to “get the girl.” And here, let’s remember something we don’t always want to admit: we’ve all done, and maybe still do, silly things, sometimes epic fails, just to be liked by a special someone.
But these specific men, the performative males, are mocked relentlessly online. And my view on this is a little different.
Because there are also those who might start out pretending, and then end up embracing these new habits and activities. That’s part of life: trying on new mindsets and behaviors for a while, without full commitment, in a kind of ideological trial period, to see if they fit.
In coaching, we often hear “fake it till you make it.” Sometimes we also say “try and fail” or “jump in and figure out how to swim later.” Every male influencer says, “bro, you gotta look confident,” whether or not there’s a foundation underneath that confidence.
Yes, it’s superficial, but even retinol creams are applied on the skin’s surface and still penetrate and make a difference. (No, this is not a sponsored skincare post.)
So: performative males get harsh criticism online. And here I’ll put on my tinfoil conspiracy hat and say I believe a big part of that criticism comes from right-wing and far-right spaces, who truly hate men that aren’t ashamed to “connect with their feminine side.”
There’s intense hatred for men who dare to question or even worse reject stereotypical masculinity, even if only through performance. Hatred for soft boys, soy boys and beta males.
Because for patriarchy, those men are the biggest threat. If they’re not crushed, mocked, and humiliated, then the structure of patriarchy itself starts to crumble.
On the other hand, I know very well that I personally have contributed to the culture of the performative male. Many women have sent me screenshots of dating app profiles of men reading my book. I’ve seen them myself too.
After all, that’s how I marketed the book: it’s a feminist dating guide for men, and the promise to the buyer was, “read this to have more success with women.” Yes, I don’t deny it. I truly believe that feminist awareness makes men infinitely more attractive, and I believe a promise like that can make a difference.
Of course, there will be men who do it superficially, just to deceive. But those are easy to spot, because they haven’t really understood anything. Even if they call themselves feminists, their lack of true understanding shows in conversation.
There are others who have understood, but only cognitively, in a purely instrumental way, and they can be dangerous, because feminism for them is just a façade, to manipulate or abuse. There’s not much we can do for those, they’re already on the dark side.
But I believe there are others. Men who might have read a book, maybe even my book, instead of reading all things manosphere and following incel manifestos, and who are genuinely trying to understand. Maybe they even eat vegan cakes made with dates. I have no problem with them.
Let them start out by performing. Let them pretend at first. If a man pretends to care about your safety, if he pretends to care what you think and feel, if he pretends to care about consent and respects it, if he pretends he wants you to enjoy yourself in bed and makes an effort, if he pretends to be communicative and reliable, if he pretends to be kind, sweet, and tender, well, I have no problem with that.
It reminds me of a poem by Lucas Jones, where he writes: “I’m doing this thing where I’m pretending to be nice to women”. And then he spins a story: he pretends to care about her, what she thinks, her interests and hobbies, he pretends to agree when she curses patriarchy, he pretends to care about her safety. Later, he pretends he wants to marry her and asks her to be his wife, he pretends to be the perfect husband in their perfect home, he pretends to cry when their daughter is born. And fifty years later, after a wonderful happy life, he pretends to be devastated when she dies. But for him, she’s still alive.
You know what? Let’s pretend to be good people. Pretend we care about injustice and oppression. Pretend we’re better than we are. Until we become it.