People often reach out to me asking for urgent breakup sessions. I’m always there, because I understand.

Even a breakup after only a few months can feel deeply painful and disorienting, even for the person who chose to end it. All the more so if it was a long relationship or if you were the one who got broken up with and didn’t see it coming. The shock, the disbelief, the emptiness, it can all feel unbearable. You just want something to hold on to.

There are many things we grieve in a breakup, and we often don’t realize it:

The person themselves.
It’s natural to miss the person you shared things with, emotionally and practically. You miss the emotional safety, the feeling that someone was thinking of you, waiting for you. But you also miss the practical things: shared activities, someone to do things with, the empty side of the bed, the hug waiting for you at the end of the day. Reach out to friends and ask for both emotional and practical support.

The idea you had of that person.
Especially in short relationships, we tend to build an idealized image of the other person. Even if it wasn’t real, we still mourn the fantasy we had created. “It doesn’t matter who you actually were, I need to grieve who I thought you were.”

The expectations you had for the relationship.
Relationships are dynamic, not static. They evolve whether we want them to or not. It’s impossible not to have expectations, even when we’ve been told not to. Having expectations is part of being human, even though it’s often a source of disappointment. The person who expects nothing is either a zen master or emotionally dead.

The habits, the inside jokes, the world you built together.
That’s one of the hardest parts. Every relationship is its own little universe full of secret code that only the two of you understood. For a long time, you’ll want to share things with them that come up each day, and you won’t have anyone who truly “gets” them, because they were yours alone. For a while, try saying those things out loud as if you were telling them to your ex, explaining why they’re funny, while knowing it’s wiser not to actually reopen that wound.

The person you were with them.
Each person we love brings out a slightly different version of us. The best relationships bring out our best selves. It’s natural to miss that version of yourself, especially when comparing it to your sad, post-breakup self. (On the other hand, in bad relationships, we lose ourselves, and the breakup can feel like freedom.)

The time and effort you invested.
Humans hate losing their investments. That’s why we often stay in situations longer than we should, to avoid feeling that all the time and effort we gave it went to waste. Yes, you’ll grieve the investment, but you’ll grieve more if you stay and lose even more.

The future you won’t live together.
Every action we take creates one possible future and erases countless others. That’s life and that’s why we often wonder “what would have happened if…?” It’s natural to grieve the future you imagined, especially if it felt ideal. But that’s the trap of idealization. The goal now is to make the real future as good as possible.

The feeling that you’re starting over.
I know it hurts, and it feels like you’ll be starting from zero, but that’s not true. Every relationship teaches us something and helps us grow. You are not the same person you were before this relationship, and as time passes, you’ll see how much stronger, wiser, and more self-aware you’ve become. You’ll have more to offer and more capacity to receive next time.

To heal from a breakup, we need to face these losses head-on and allow ourselves to grieve fully. We need to notice the empty gaps and slowly fill them. Gradually, we start redefining who we are outside the relationship and reclaiming our sense of self so that we can move forward.

At the same time, we need to manage the dark thoughts that make us question our worth or our chances for happiness. Those thoughts need reframing, in order to change the story we tell ourselves.

You can get through this and you will. If you need support and tools to keep your mind steady and build the framework to move forward, I’m here for you. Fill in the form, let me know you’re going through a break-up and help will be on the way.